RenePolumorfous

I want to let off some steam by writing something... For the longest time I have stopped myself from posting or putting up anything like these, especially on social media sites; because of the fact that now-a-days, people will mostly judge you for doing so... Even the ones who genuinely need help.

So Christmas is just around the corner and unfortunately for me, I'm experiencing the Christmas blues (If that even exists). Listening to the tooting horns, both breaks my heart and fills me with hope. Breaks my heart because I've been put into the same situation I was in a few years back only this time, it's as if I don't even exist and I'm more confused as ever.

The world and it's contradictions baffle me to the core, and the timing couldn't have been more... bad since I am still emotionally damaged. Like, how telling the truth gets you in more trouble than telling a lie, even though when it's supposed to be that the truth will set you free. To hypocritical people who point their fingers at the ones they call hypocrites when they themselves are being one.

I used to know who I was, who I wanted to be, what things I liked and what things I didn't. I still have a pretty good idea of those things but... I just can't help but question myself. So many questions running through my head and it honestly drives me crazy and prevents me from doing what's important. You could say I'm stuck and I really don't know what to do.

It's not easy having to feel this way, you constantly have to keep yourself afloat even when there's thousand of chains and voices in your head that keeps dragging you down. I honestly want to ask help, but people have their own problems they're dealing with; I don't want to add to the baggage and I definitely don't want to be a burden more than I already am.

This is also probably the result of giving too much to someone and not leaving a smidge of love for yourself and at the same paying too much attention to other people's opinion and trying to please everyone. I sometimes think that the only possible way to redeem myself is to slit my throat, but I'm too cowardly to do that.

I have difficulty with interacting with people now, both online and offline. In the first place I'm not good at conversations to begin with and I can barely keep it going, imagine it's worse than before. I overthink a lot, which makes me clam up and not say anything at all. In fact, I overthink more than I used to. I'm a mess and I really want to get out of this gutter...

And this is where I want to thank the people who've been lifting me up during the whole year,

There's rei-baahk, I meet her on DA back in 2013. We sent e-mails to each other and she was very kind to listen to me during my darkest days. :') She has gotten far with her art now and improved a lot! I'm really glad I met her and I hope to be more close to her as time goes by. :')

Vixenkiba We have known each other for a long time now and she still stayed a very good friend of mine. Though we don't talk as much as we used to, but whenever we do, things are still the same and it's as if the time apart didn't happen. She was also one of the people who really welcomed me back when I was still a newbie.

nuudelinen This hyperactive artist also brightened my day especially with her surprise gift (My current Icon) I was really surprised when I logged in after a long time, I wasn't expecting it at all! She made me feel happy and important.

Nestly, A very kind artist and has lifted me up in her own way. :') She encouraged me with her comments and her uplifting personality...

Scherys The little sister I recently made, we both are part of the Evoloon group and she was very kind to draw our characters together, and it seemed like it was fate that brought us together <3 Since our characters reminded the both of us of Frozen. :'3 Now we're getting to know each other more and hopefully become more closer!

And to my IRL friends who have been supporting me even if we are hours apart. Rustic-Blaze ReikaSaito Ven-Style drowslayer  and more (The other don't have DA accounts)and to all the people who left kind words and uplifting comments, to name a few RaishaGS  I really thank you as well. :') Every word means a lot to me, especially now that I know how important being kind can be...

I want to make it up to you and show you how much I really appreciate it and this is the only way I know how, for now. :') If it weren't for you, I would've given up on life a very long time ago. Thank you so much for everything you guys...
I am blessed to have met such wonderful people like you. :')